Her number one mistake, in my opinion, is that she never told her divorce attorney about her ex-husband's behaviors until long after he'd done them. She rarely asked her lawyer's opinion before agreeing to something that seemed to her to be rather minuscule in importance. For instance, he would offer to watch the children overnight for her during her custodial time if she needed a sitter in order to attend occasional evening meetings. Unknown to her he tracked each and every time and when sufficient time had passed, he sought a modification to the custody order. That's when she told her attorney about the occasional extra overnights that she'd unwittingly agreed to. And here's the kicker - Was he looking for more time? Not really [or at least, not yet], they already shared custody 50/50.
His first goal was to obtain revisions to their agreement. He forced her to agree to modifications by threatening to go after primary custody based on the fact that in actuality, he had been having more overnight time with the kids by her consent. Each revision eroded the quality of time she had with her children. One revision is that she can NEVER schedule doctor, dental, orthodontist or other type appointments on his time. All must be on her time. So, she spends a significant amount of time running her three children to various health appointments. Another downside to this arrangement is that she must pay the copays, etc up front and then wait for him to reimburse her his half. He frequently fails to reimburse her, yet she is afraid to challenge him because he will threaten more modifications. Another revision requires her to give him right of first refusal to watch the children if she needs to be away from them for more than 3 hours. She cannot have a social life now or attend long meetings without having to ask him to watch the kids. In this way he is still controlling her life, despite having been divorced for six years.
I wholeheartedly encourage couples to communicate with each other and parent together, even if apart. Most often this is the best approach for the former couple and their children. However, I can't help but caution you to be aware of motivations when dealing with a soon-to-be-ex spouse who has exhibited sociopath behaviors during your marriage. And ask your lawyer before you agree to what appear to be simple requests if you are in the midst of a child custody battle. Here's a great blog post from psychologist Dr Joseph M Carver, PhD entitled Divorcing a Sociopath. An excerpt below:
If you are divorcing a Sociopath or Antisocial Personality, here are some general themes:
* Personality Disorders are experts at manipulation and hidden agendas. Despite their behavior on the surface, there is likely a self-serving goal underneath....
* Personality Disorders try to make their partners as miserable as possible during a divorce. ... They threaten to fight for child custody — not because they want the children, ....
* An Antisocial Personality is not concerned with how you feel about anything, but they are concerned about their feelings and their situation. Don’t negotiate with him directly — only through an attorney or court representative....
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* Be prepared for a variety of different manipulations . . ..
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You are not alone in this situation . . .
Audrey Buglione is a family law attorney in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. Her office is located in Dauphin County. She assists clients seeking divorce, child custody, child support, spousal support and alimony pendente lite in Dauphin, Cumberland, Lancaster, York, Perry, and Lebanon counties. Contact a lawyer for a no-obligation confidential consultation.
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